Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The World Comes From Us

Three months ago...

“The world does not come at us. The world comes from us.”

Like an old childhood lullaby, I instantly remembered these words when I heard them. They were not news to me. I had heard these words for years from the voice within my heart.

Most recently I have been holding those words up to the reality of living in a third world country. And not just a third world country, but a third world city. And not just a third world city, but the largest third world city in this country.

Ah, San Jose, Costa Rica.

In San Jose there are people who make a living by risking their life helping you back-out of your parking space into oncoming traffic. God bless them - really, please bless them, God. There are people here who make a living collecting other people's garbage and reselling it on the sidewalk - old broken toy phones, half-used packages of stained napkins, batteries (used, of course), electronic cords for missing electronic devices, etc.

Here both sides of the economic spectrum are well represented: the ricos and the povres. The ricos live in houses surrounded by large cement walls adorned with barbed wire and the povres live in houses surrounded by thin metal bars adorned with barbed wire. There’s a saying here, “The one thing the rich and poor have in common is that they both live imprisoned in their homes while the criminal run ‘free’ in the streets.”

So how do I - in this third world city - implement this deep knowing that ‘the world does not come at me...the world comes from me’?

Because the truth is that a lot of fear has also been coming from me lately.

The fear has been brought on by not being able to speak Spanish, not being able to drive without envisioning the worst or not being able to walk alone at night or make my way to the other side of the city or avoid the dagger-like male gaze or avoid the toxic fumes of every passing truck or express myself authentically to anyone but Evan.

It seems the more fear that comes from me, the scarier the world becomes.

It’s a tremendously uncomfortable feeling to go from existing is a relative state of ‘fearlessness’ in Austin to feeling cloaked (from within and without) in a heavy dark veil of fear. Fear, which could also be discussed as ‘insecurity’, uproots any and all ability to rest, relax, trust, have faith, be calm or be quiet. And, as a yoga teacher, I long ago began making my living and building my life upon my ability to rest, relax, trust, have faith and be calm and quiet.

Who am I if I am in fear? Or rather where did ‘I’ (the one who once lived without fear) go? And where did my old free-of-suffocating-fear reality go? Are my fears legitimate and not to be downplayed or are my fears giving rise to the growing disdain and discomfort in the world o' San Jose? Is it me? Is it my environment? Is it both? Am I creating my own reality? Is my reality creating me to be a fearful person?

Today...

Some months have passed since the largest of my fears were gobbling up my light. During that time I began to learn Spanish. I knew nothing of Spanish before moving to Costa Rica. Nada. No-thing. Not a lick. So along with learning the language came the ability to once again express myself. Granted I can not express myself ‘profoundly’ or ‘poetically’ as I did in the states - but I can express bits and pieces of heart, parts that have not seen the light of days for months.

Interestingly, as soon as I began to express myself everything in my world changed before my eyes. The world does not come at me. The world comes from me.

It’s not that the city suddenly became clean or crime-free or that the men became any less macho or that the buses gave off any less black smoke, no, it’s that I was no longer imprisoned by my inability to communicate. I was no longer trapped behind a verbal cement wall decorated with barbed wire. I was no longer imprisoned by my inability to express myself through the medium of my art - language.

In the same moment that my inner light was finally able to once again shine out through the gift of language and communication - in Spanish - the big dirty city ceased to be so big and dirty. Instead the city of San Jose became the home of many dear friends and fellow teachers, the place where I was brought to my knees with humility for anyone who ever moved to a foreign country and couldn’t speak the language, the perfect contrast to the comfortable passivity that so many of us get stuck in at certain times in our lives.

So does the world come at us or from us? What are your thoughts?

Deep Humble Love.

5 comments:

bartenderyogi said...

"It seems the more fear that comes from me, the scarier the world becomes."

Love this; it's so true.

I have friends, girl friends, who grew up in New York and aren't afraid to walk anywhere or confront anyone. Being a man of large stature and a capable mind, I fear pretty much nothing. However, I can bulldoze my way through anything I can't bullshit my way through. Not everyone was blessed with the same gifts.

I also know people who won't go to the east side in Austin by themselves at night. I don't know why, but they're scared; and as a result, they miss out on what might be the night of their life, (especially if they're coming out to meet me!)

"The secret to change is to let go of fear." This quote keeps coming up in my exchanges with people this month.

If one meets their fears head on, with a courageous heart and an open attidude, they will never fail, they will only learn more, about both the situation and themself.

At least, so far, I've found that to be the case.

Love y'all. Miss y'all. Namaste.

Angela said...

In my experience, the things that cause fear are the most worth doing. I guess you could say that fear is my compass.

I don't pretend to know whether the world comes at you or from you. But if that world has become scary, perhaps it's only your heart telling you that on the other side of adapting to this new reality lies your greatest reward.

Much love to you sister.

Michelle Margaret said...

Que bueno, Lauran! Here's my take on fear after living in Guatemala City. http://www.elephantjournal.com/?p=132803&preview=true

Lauran Janes said...

Matt, you always know how to inspire a smile to grace me face. Angela, you are so right. Fear often points to exactly what we must tackle!
Michelle, thank you for sharing the link to your experience. I love these words,

"Violence — and non-violence — begins at the individual level. It begins, as all human enterprises do, inside the mind.

However, one cannot instantly eliminate all negative and violent thoughts at their root simply by wishing to do so. The next best thing is to start eliminating violent actions."

I'm blessed to be in your company!

YogaGuerrilla said...

Hola chica,
I do speak Spanish, and I had the most enlightening experience traveling Mexico in my 20s. We ran into an ebullient Aussie who smiled big, spread his sunshine, didn't speak a word of Spanish, drew pictures to communicate and he had the locals taking him by the hand and showing him all of the sights that only locals knew about. I was shocked ... and jealous. But when I lived in Budapest, Hungary in my 30s, I took that lesson to heart and did the same. Learning Hungarian is a long term project. So, I smiled and drew pictures and used my limited Hungarian. Amazingly, I got the same results. Live large, confront your fears, smile, shine your sunshine, and the world will respond in kind. It really will.