Sunshine and Sadness

A waterfall down my face
Evan's cheek against mine
"My sunshine is all backed-up"
He touches his heart to mine

A Letter to a Stranger

Dear Cyber-Stranger,

After viewing one of my online yoga videos you wrote: "Sweetie, though you look sexy on tape, you better come down to earth now. Stop playing with your dolls and your imaginary friends. Hinduism is a joke and God is not real."

While reading your words I experienced pain - at first my own pain and then yours. So I took you 'in' and held you in my Heart. I sat with you for quite some time.

At first it was challenging. My hurt feelings returned and then receded, returned and receded, again and again. I felt your hurt do the same.

I prayed to recognize myself in you. I prayed to recognize you in myself.

At times I felt violence towards you even though I do not know you. Please forgive me for this. Did you intend to hurt me with your words? I forgive you for that.

I wondered if you are often angry? If your heart has been broken by a lover? By a parent? By the circumstances of your birth? This world can feel so cruel and the pain unbearable. I have been hurt too. I have had my heart broken. I have also broken my own heart.

Part of me told me not to waste my time with you. And another part whispered, "You have everything to gain by inviting him into your Heart."

I prayed for healing for us both.

I prayed that I might recognize your Light.

I bowed to the place in you where Love is boundless.

I celebrated the part of you who chooses actions that heal instead of hurt.

May the eyes of our Hearts be open.

Deep peace to you,

Lauran

Dearest Grace,

I know I have a purpose here
and I know that purpose is great.

I just don't know exactly
what that purpose is yet.

So until I know exactly
what I'm supposed to do,
I'll just Love.

I know I'm good at Loving.

Maybe through my Loving
I'll find what it is I'm to do.

Maybe in my doing of Love
I'll find my purpose.

Or maybe I'll just be Love
and let the "Being of Love"
be purpose enough.

I'm open to suggestions.

Amen.

~Lauran Janes, 2002

Before True or False

Hurry! Hurry!
Let’s take our hands
off the safety bar and ride
this roller coaster.

Let’s tell our brains
to take back seat and let
our spiritual instincts
navigate this place.

Let’s lick the far reaches
of our imaginations and
dive to the underbellies
of our psyches.

Let’s howl at the moon.
Let’s celebrate our fears.
Let’s laugh at all the shit
we hate and embrace
our scars, abuse, and pain.

Let’s re-examine
the infinite beauty
in this finite world:
the way the fuzzy-bellied brown spider
spins his silken matrix between
the star-shaped Sweetgum leaves;
the way he waits patiently, unmoving,
for the blind busy bee to crash
into his sticky web.

Oh, how I relate to that fucking busy bee.

Oh how I strive to be that eight legged Zen master.

Let’s be the Zen masters we once were.
The children we once were before
True or False questions, The Brady Bunch,
straight edges, and school desks warped
our perfect miracles selves.

Let’s fight like hell
(play like hell)
to take back the wonder-filled
beings we once were.
We still are.

Let’s ride this crazy ride
‘til we’re all out
of quarters, then let’s hot wire
the damn thing
and ride it some more…
’til our britches are rubbed thin
and our asses cry for mercy.

Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

~Lauran Janes, 2006

Happy New Year...12 days after New Year!

Our dear friends Drew and Jillian came to visit us is Nosara, Costa Rica over the holiday.

We did some serious frolicking, beach hiking and surfing (who am I kidding, I 'surf' 18" waves). We body-checked waves, danced in the kitchen, collected sea shells and got weak-kneed over every magical sunset. Basically we were all 5 years old again.

Drew and Evan have been dear friends for many years. Their last adventure was a three month journey through Asia just before Evan and I started dating. Drew’s animated style reminds me of a giant wind-up toy who playfully chases his own shadow until nightfall all while spewing rivers of colorful, rarely-considered, fun-to-argue philosophies. He’s a ball of positive energy.

Jillian is equally radiant with the most loving warm blue eyes. For the last four years she has been a nanny for a wealthy Austin couple and, let me tell you, Mary Poppins has nothing on this woman! The family flew Jillian and Drew to Costa Rica to help with the kids over the Christmas holiday.

Together Jill and Drew took the kids up and down the 'Rich Coast'. They visited an African animal sanctuary, national parks, volcanoes and - the kids favorite - Bouncy Land. Bouncy Land is an inflatable amusement park that stretches in stripes of yellow and red for acres and acres. Think National Park meets McDonald’s-Bouncy-Toy.

As they approached the park the two little girls (4 yrs and 6 yrs) began panting and squealing, pressing their wide-eyed faces against the car windows. They cocked their piggy tails sideways, drooling in momentary disbelief of this bouncy dream-come-true.

“Their joy was uncontrollable,” said Jillian. “They were literally convulsing in rapid waves of ecstasy.”

Drew imitated the little girls body language, reminding me of how our pups look when they catch a sniff of the local p-a-r-k from the back seat of our car...joy literally attacks them from the inside just before they erupt into unstoppable fury bullets of enthusiasm.

May your New Year cause you too to convulse in rapid waves of ecstasy & to erupt into unstoppable bullets of enthusiasm.

Here’s to 2011! Go Life!

An African Prayer

as i prepare to bring a small group to africa in 2012 for a yoga & cultural immersion educational adventure i am reminded of one of the most powerful days from our trip last april...

though evan and i had both long been exposed to poverty (his first exposure came during his peace corps years and mine as a young volunteer for third-world house-building projects), rural ethiopia was beyond our imaginations.

one village in particular stands as a monument in my heart to do something - anything - to bring further awareness to the disparity of resources between the first and third worlds.

many of the children in this particular village had leaky noses and open wounds. they smelled of feces. their clothes were filthy. their bellies were swollen tight like small brown drums. one boys eyelids were blistered shut from an infection that i imagine could have been helped with a simple antibiotic.

a 15 year-old mother holding her six-month old baby approached me. she spoke to me in a language i did not understand and then held her child up to me. the baby’s eyes were tired and worried, like somehow he knew he'd been born into a hard life - somehow he knew he would grow old before his time. i reached out for the child, but then...stopped.

in my naivete i had not understood what the young mother wanted. she didn't want me to hold her baby. she wanted me to take her baby.

i politely replaced my hands at my sides. “your child. your child.” i took a few steps backward. the mother persisted walking towards me, nodding her head to say that it was okay for me to take her child. she said the only english words she knew. “you. you.” she the baby inches from my face.

in that moment i thought, why not? why not take that child away from this village to a place where it would have a worldly education and access to medicine and the best food on the planet. i could provide an environment - emotionally and materially - for this child to live a vibrant, healthy life. a voice within said, it would be selfish for you not to help this child out of this mess.

but was this really a mess? was this rural poverty really the sob-story that my mind had made it up to be? what if rural living was a necessary part of the balance on the planet?

i could feel myself becoming guarded and confused.

so what if the roads to this village aren’t paved. can you imagine a world where every road was paved? the destruction! so what if the houses are made of mud and dung? can you imagine a world in which every house had laminate counters? our landfills are already overflowing with non-biodegradable products.

and what of education? the fact is that not everyone should be educated behind a desk. some people must be educated in the fields and farms. some people must stay connected to the earth’s rhythm, not just to the momentum of industrial and electronic revolutions.

and, further more, not everyone can have access to medication.

wait, what? why not?

i wait for my mind to justify that one.

silence.

over 2,000 children a day who die from diarrhea in africa.

though it is always easier to justify someone else's suffering above my own, that is unjustifiable.

evan called my name, “lauran! time to go.” i turned to seem him getting back into the truck. "okay."

i faced the young mother for a final time. “i know you can’t understand a word i’m about to say, but i can't take your child. i wish you health and happiness. i will pray for your life and for the well-being of your baby. i'll pray for you." and then i left her and the baby in the mud.

never had prayer felt like such a cop-out.

as we drove away from the village thirty children ran after our car. they waved their arms and hollered with high-pitched squeals. i couldn't take my eyes off of them - their small bodies hurdled over the earth, their limbs flailed and the yellows of their eyes were set ablaze.

prayer was my only means of sanity. may all beings be free of suffering. i prayed until they vanished out of sight. may all beings find happiness. i prayed til our car touched pavement again. may all beings be content. i prayed til we arrived back at our $8/night ethiopian hotel and then, in the privacy of our room, i curled up in evan’s arms and cried myself to sleep.

Pura Vida in Costa Rica!

“Lizzy, no, sweetie. Don’t eat the butterflies.”

We arrived in Costa Rica nearly a week ago. Eight pieces of luggage, two dogs and two adventurous spirits. For the last five months Evan and I have been working towards this move. Finally, it is here.

Our pups, Lizzy and Quito, made the trip with the expected amount of stress. Now that they are off the plane and safely on the ground they are happy to smell the tropical soil and chase the mariposas (butterflies).

Evan and I are ecstatic and humbled to have made this dream a reality. He is now heading up the Latin American micro-finance projects for Whole Planet Foundation. After 2.5 years in Ecuador in the Peace Corps, integrating with the Costa Rican culture is as natural as breathing for him. Over and over again I hear the locals say to him, “You speak Spanish very well! Very natural. Where are you from?”

I, on the other hand, studied French for ten years. So at this point no hablo espanol. Luckily there are many similarities between french and spanish so I trust the language will come quickly.

We’ve made friends with a local Costa Rican couple, Fehdra and John. Evan calls them our “Costa Rican twins”. Fehdra, the woman, is a yoga teacher and John, the man, is a mountain bike fanatic. Yep, twinsies.

Though Fehdra doesn’t speak much english and I speak hardly any Spanish, we understand each other loud and clear when it comes to our love of yoga. During a recent dinner, she and I dominated the conversation with our enthusiasm for the practice of yoga. Yoga, like math, is a universal language.

As they say in Costa Rica, Pura Vida! (Pure Living! Pure Life!)